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Dragon_Fan
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Name: Seth
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Birthday: 3/8/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: My amazing wife Pepper.
Anything written by Mr. C.S. Lewis.
Music: Jars of Clay, Switchfoot, U2, Coldplay, Downhere, mewithoutYou, Mae, Relient K.
Pretty much any Nintendo video games. Mario and Zelda will always be welcome. Viva La Revolution!
Going to church and helping out with the Youth Group.
The Detroit Pistons!
Expertise: Sinning and then beating myself up about it.
Super Smash Bros.... Just ask Andrew after I Super Smash his face in.
Playing the guitar. Just Kidding, but I am really good at owning instruments that I don't know how to play.
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  DetPistons1987
Member Since:
10/2/2005
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| GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I swear I just wanna use my fists to smash down a wall. I love this world and these THINGS!!!!!!!!! SCREW THIS WORLD!
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| My wife has been gone for a week. As I dropped her off at the airport I knew I was going to miss her, but a part of me was also slightly excited to be home alone. I had a week to do whatever I wanted (aside from going to work). I planned on eating only junk food and completing a few video games in my backed up collection. But within an hour of being alone I was depressed.
It seems that I've reached the point in my marriage where being away from my wife is simply inexcusable. There is a definite difference in how I handle being apart from her now than I would two years ago, during the early period of our relationship where infatuation was the determining factor. Two years ago I would say that "I can't be away from her." And at that point the can't was very much an exaggeration. Now it's different. Obviously, I won't cease to exist if I'm apart from her now, but life seems to be put on hold.
The only substantial thing I can do is try and remember her. And what about her am I remembering the most? This is weird, but it's her nose! What a nose! I've never seen a nose quite like it, and I painfullly wait until I can kiss it again. This is a brief end to the post, but now all I can think about is that cute nose. It has rendered me useless.
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| Here's something I wrote in a personal journal on Aug. 6th. I feel I can share it now.
I thought I had more faith. I thought I was dealing with the miscarriage in a righteous and healthy way. Deep down I probably knew this was not the case, and that I was instead being distant and secluded. Now, at least, I know for sure that I was hiding from the truth.
Tossing aside the concept of divine planning, I embraced the mantra that "shit happens". These two words protected my dwindling faith. It was a temporary comfort that God was currently awol. But it's been a while and I miss him. While there was no shortage of prayer, it was primarily for comfort and even that was mostly for my wife. I had effectively left God out of the issue, and like a jealous lover, he packed his bags.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm no longer interested in the theology of suffering, as it has merely been a distraction from reality. I'm tired of fearfully asking around, making sure to keep my distance from the Master's bedroom. I don't know what to expect, or even what I hope for.
I just miss him.
I've also started jotting some stuff down for a semi-autobiographical story based around my last few years. Primarily dealing with getting married at such a young age and with so little world experience. The challenges and blessings of getting married when you're basically still a child.
It was May 15th, 2005, and although I didn't know it, my childhood of eighteen years had only weeks left to shower me in blissful selfishness. I was a graduating senior at Avondale High School, but the timing was mere coincidence. My evolution to manhood would not be cued by twelve years of accumulated knowledge. This had only made me a larger, more intelligent boy; growing up without the first reason why it was necessary.
Instead, my unexpected step away from safety came at the hands of a woman.
Right now I'm pretty tired and stressed, but this has become the norm. I'm just trying to enjoy my two loves before the third gets here. It's easy to neglect my wife and even moreso God, but it leads down a frightening road. So I'll get as close to them now before my attention is split even more. Also, I'm so glad that God embued us with his creative spark. I wanna write, paint, and make music! I wanna create!
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| Goodness gracious, I can't seem to break away from this concept of super heroes. I realize I sound like a broken record, but it is inside of me. It's more than an obsession to satisfy my inner geek. It makes me depressed, proud, and everything in between. An inner compass that convicts and shames me. This may sound weird, but it's almost like a tool that the Holy Spirit uses for me.
I haven't felt right recently. Every time I go into McDonalds I feel depressed. There seems to be something amiss, and I can't put my finger on it. I haven't been praying or connecting with God. I haven't been helping people. With such a busy schedule, I want to spend my rare free moments relaxing. I don't know where I'm going with this post, but my mind and heart have been blurry recently and I need to put it in writing. I need to DO something! I got so worked up just typing that sentence because I have nothing that I'm pouring myself into. I've been wound tightly and am ready to go crazy. I'm not exactly sure what the first and second paragraphs of this post have in common, but I feel there is something there. Ok...I need to go to bed now.
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| There is an inevitable guilt I feel every year.
I get so excited for the semester to start, even though I know how busy and stressed it will make me. I get excited because I am blessed with the opportunity to learn about God. At the start of this semester specifically, all the classes I've taken are starting to come together; painting a more complete picture of my beliefs. I know a fair deal about the old and new testament texts, the history behind them, theological viewpoints, the history of the church and contemporary issues.
But once again I find myself asking why I'm learning about Jesus. Certainly it's not so that I can get that elusive college degree and score a nice comfy job. Starting out as a subtle yet distinct pull toward ministry, I have encountered a large number of hopeful, scary, and exciting experiences in my journey. But it has too much been my journey. With the exception of Pepper, I have studied and grew solely within myself. I desire to break down the walls of my husband-wife unit and start changing the world.
How do I do this? It seems too lofty and maybe that's because I want to start off saving the world. Small steps are likely necessary to this process. I need to be a better witness to my co-workers. That's a simple first step; after all, I'm already there. But I want to sacrifice for people too. Actually give up my time and resources instead of doing the convenient things. I have the not too difficult idea of doing a fundraiser to build a well for a village in Africa. How hard can it be to raise money?
There aren't very many things that seem too difficult to do for others. The hardest part is the first step of caring less for myself and caring more for others. Who's with me????!!!??????
P.S.- I don't want to be a goat but a sheep. | | |
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